there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm too high and old for this...
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
