I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Less talking, more tequila
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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