last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
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