Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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