Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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