you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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