We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
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yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
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Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?