someone get that fucking seahorse.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.