I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
