I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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