My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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