No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
