I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
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he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
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I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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