my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
