How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
