First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
