He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
