I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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