why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
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