Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
