he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
