Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
