On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Randomize