just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
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