I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
