i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
