If that was your dad, he is hot
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
