why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
