Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
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