i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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