as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
