dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
