Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
