I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
