For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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