My sheets look like a crime scene.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
