I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
