my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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