Having a random hookup so left but love u
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
True strength comes from lack of pants
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
