I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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