last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
