There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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