i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
