you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Pants are for mortals
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
