i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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