so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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