i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
