i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
