so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
