we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
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Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
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i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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