I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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