Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
