I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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