When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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