i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
