I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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