i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
