If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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