It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
