I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
