he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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