they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
