why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
