I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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