I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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