just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
