is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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