I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
