So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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